What if...

What if? Ah the age old question for so many of us. I have one steadfast rule I adhere to with regard to the 'what ifs' in life. -Never be sorry, never regret, never go to sleep at night saying 'I wish I had' or wake up feeling 'what if'.- That is it in a nutshell. Of course there are the obvious exceptions to this rule with regard to 'never be sorry' or at least it should be obvious to any sane, non sociopolitical individual. Do your very best to never intentionally hurt another person or creature then you need not have reason to be sorry as you did your best. Simply put do unto others as you would have them do unto you. I think this fits into the category of 'everything I ever needed to know I learned in kindergarten'. I truly wish I could lay claim to that quote but it is not to be.

So what if? What if what? I told myself a long, long time ago that no matter what it took I would not be the guy that in my twilight years had regrets about never having done those things I wanted to do with my life. To date I can honestly say I have achieved that goal. My life has been a collection of experiences. Most often to one extreme or the other. More often than not they were experiences of the kind a voice would remind you at the end of the show 'do not try this at home'. But I was that kid who wanted to try them all. Several times my experiences almost cost me the ultimate price. Experience builds character and character can either take you a long way or get you into a lot of trouble. For me it did both. I grew up around a whole slew of characters, some hilarious and some scary. But they were my characters. I myself readily admit to being a character of sorts somewhere in the middle between the two types I named above. Some former girlfriends would be kinder about it than others.

The two things in life everybody wants to be are an gangster and an actor. I have seen both sides of that coin as well. As far the gangster goes I lived more on the near periphery of the life, amongst those types that see no other way to live and what you to see that way too. Those who would as soon make trunk music out of you as shake your hand or share a meal with you. Very dangerous men. But I had earned my place at that table if you will. Periphery or not there comes that time when the dangerous part gets very close to home and you find yourself making that decision that will affect the rest of your life no matter how it turns out. You either do or you don't and that's that. For me that decision was not a hard one as my heart and soul started drifting sometime before that choice was presented to me. That and the Big Guy had other plans for me. Heeding some well intended advice from a man in the 'know' I took a pass and continued on with my other passion in life as an actor. Not to mention the 'man in the know' didn't want to hear diddly squat about my acting chops, passion for or latest play I was cast in. I have far less paranoia in my life many more peaceful nights rest because of that decision. But oddly enough no less stress. The transition was not anywhere near as seamless as I like it to sound and has provided a whole mess of other life experiences I'll save for another time.

The two are not as far apart on the spectrum as they might seem. You have to act on a daily basis to survive in a world of thieves and killers. Act 'as if'. As if you are not afraid and ready to shit your pants or present that false sense bravado one needs to constantly keep up. Act as if you have two nickels to rub together or a pot to piss in rather than the truth of the matter that more often than not most guys in that life are broke, busted and in debt to every other guy on the block and if and when you do 'score', provided you don't get pinched you spend most of whatever you did score paying everyone that you owe back and blowing the rest on 'the party'. then back to square one. That is the truth of that life. Conversely, and actor spends the best part of his day attempting to beat out all the other guys on the stage for the one job or role that is available. After which you spend the rest of the day screaming on the phone at your agent to sent that check they owe you and are holding for the last job you did that is currently two weeks late. Still screaming at the guy who owes you. Throw in trying to convince the producer, director or casting agent of the next hottest film or new television series coming out that you are the perfect guy for it and you realize that there is a large sense of gangsterism to entertainment and trying to force open the doors that need to be forced open to further you career. The same goes for the guys trying to move up that latter of crime at get his seat at the table. It's all about positioning and props. You're both still chasing that nickel. trying to pay the rent. Period. Some of us by virtue of life experience are more suited for it than others.

The point I am trying to make is that I have yet to say 'what if' and have been fortunate to be either bold enough or stupid enough, depending on how you look at it, to take my shot at life and it's experiences. I have had a wealth of rich and wonderful experiences in relationships, love, work, seeing places and things and being part of famous happening and you name it. I have also had some very disturbing experiences in most of the above categories as well. I have never been sorry for either. Nor do I suggest chasing the extremes as I have. A happy medium will usually serve you well.

Life is funny. one day you have plans and the nest they are taken away. There is no time like the present as they say. I have seen a lot and experienced a lot and can honestly say that all of it both good and bad have been my own choice and never forced upon me. Nor would I trade any of it in for the world. I still plan on having as many and more than I already have had. Being only roughly half way through the game I still have some quite a few touchdowns in me. I have gotten this far partly by with and street savvy and partly by accident but mostly by Grace. But I know I have to try it all. Even as I write I have plans laid to make the next big move and experience. Some of you might laugh but you won't be when you see me gliding down the beach front boardwalk on my skateboard or riding that wave on the Pacific Ocean every morning. If I have learned anything thus far it is that nothing can replace good old fashioned experience and the difference between positive experiences and negative experiences are only a choice away. Our own choice. No one else makes them for us. One thing is for certain, I will do my best to never go to sleep or wake up asking myself 'what if' I had.

-Never be sorry, never regret, never go to sleep at night saying 'I wish I had' or wake up feeling 'what if'.-