Death and taxes....

Growing up I recall all the 'big people' constantly reminding each other that the only guarantees in life were 'death and taxes'. I can't help but remember that feeling of impending doom that would flood over me even before I knew what the heck these simple words meant. Or the serious implication with which they spit them out of their mouths. Al I do know is that the 'big people' taught me I should be deathly afraid of these things amongst a whole host of others. So from the beginning, fear became a motivating factor in my life. I have a funny feeling I am not alone. That person who tells me they are not afraid of anything, is either lying, is too stupid to realize they're lying to themselves, believes their own b.s. or are complete sociopaths.

I have friends in all categories.

In these times of financial insecurity, future uncertainty and general life uncertainty it can at times be challenging to find the positive in life. Especially considering the fact that many if not most were brought up to believe that 'death and taxes' so to speak, were bad things and raised in a society motivated by fear. These things in mind it is not surprising we just want to crawl back under the covers at times. That will ultimately be our personal demise.

Unless, that is, we make a conscious effort to live our lives to the fullest without regard for that fear that has been instilled in us. Whether it was through our well intended loved ones, our environment or the good old media we learned these things, it is our decision whether or not we will continue to live by fear.

In the past several years I have learned, albeit often painfully, how to shed myself of that ever present sense of fear and doomsday that I spent a lifetime learning. I now choose to spend my time unlearning those same things. I chose to live my life to the fullest and never wake up regretting not having done those things I always dreamed of doing. I think my parents working with that which was available to them at the time and those things they had learned in their youth were well enough intended but fairly far off the path. Not to mention that not too many years ago I finally realized my youth was, shall I say, not quite the normal youth. I believed everyone grew up and learned the same things I did. How very far of the path I was after some serious self realization. I have been an avid reader my whole life and one of my favorite books of all time is "Everything I needed to learn I learned in kindergarten". The old adage that we learn every basic thing about life by the time we are six years old I have found to be so true.

I have spent a lifetime searching for all those things I not so much lost, yet more so never had to begin with. In that sense I am ahead of the game in that instead of trying to recapture the things in life so many 'big people' lose, I have in essence made the decision to invent myself based on the lack of having learned much in the life skills department. My young life was based on fear and more fear. Every emotion I saw, learned or felt whether it was happiness, sadness, anger, love or in between originated out of fear. Fear of being different than others. That same fear crept into my teenage years and then into my adulthood. It left me with the images of violence, insanity and uncertainty of what would come next etched into my mind forever. The hatred, self loathing, bigotry, lack of self esteem, self deprecation and prejudice of anyone or anything different from me paralyzed me for years to come. All of my beliefs, defects of character and distorted value system had been born of my life experiences growing up, on the street and in some pretty dark places physically and figuratively speaking. I have seen my share and more of the dark places. But I came by it honestly.

And then I grew up and got a life.

Once I knew what it was I so feared I set out to break from my self set confines, expand my mind and discover a whole new world out there. It was time to accept responsibility for who I was, who I am and whom it was I wanted to be. Once I discovered there were new and fascinating people and things out there I just soaked it in like a sponge. I had always had a dream of the life I wanted to live by the California coast in the sand next to a palm tree as an actor in film and television. Ah but I was taught people like me did not live that life. 'We' had a certain limit in life an it was best if we did not try to buck that too hard lest we get our feelings hurt. Bucking those beliefs did not come easily nor painlessly. More often than not it was sheer agony filled with uncertainty, fits of rage, despair, more self loathing and plain old hardcore learned fear that was my path to learning. I for one have always been motivated by that same fear I was taught. Once it hurts bad enough then, and only then will I do something about it. that is until I was taught that I could do something about it long before it got so bad that I wanted to eat a bullet and yes if I am to be honest I will admit the bullet had in the past been a serious consideration though by the Grace of God never an option. So yes, some places in our head can get pretty dark. My own best advice got me to those places.

That conversation is for another day.

But these days I have a choice of where I live, why I live and how I choose to live my life. I have a choice of what I choose to believe is the right way for me to live, but most of all what I wish to teach others and impart on them by what I have learned. It would take another lifetime to explain how I came to this place in my life that I enjoy being at even at its hardest and it has at times been hard! It is the simple knowledge that today I have a choice that keeps me going. I never knew I had a choice. Now I do. So from hear on out it is all my choice and decision how I live my life. I wish I could accept even partial credit for a wonderful life and things learned. All of these things and most everything I know today are because of the knowledge others have so selflessly given to me. I have been fortunate to learn so much in such a short time. I fully realize many don't have the opportunity to learn these things in a lifetime. I never ever want to stop learning on a daily basis and as one of the 'big people' I saw as a child, hope to return the favor to others someday. To keep it you have to give it away.

Face it, we all have to die just as we were born, alone. Sure there may be some loved ones around us or not. I do know that I have learned to not be afraid of when that day comes as long as I do my best to live my life right and never forget there is a power greater than myself. I quit being afraid of the 'death and taxes' shtick I was taught. Today I live in life neither in death or taxes. Though the first is far less voluntary than the latter I choose to face them both the same way... by living for today and let others live the way they choose and by a power greater than myself. I am certain of this...

...I don't ever want to stop learning on a daily basis.