Doctor Carl and the meaning of life

Life has a funny way of reminding you who you are and where you started from time to time. People from your past seem to find a way back into your life. That is one of the great things about the social networking sites like Facebook or Myspace or a number of others. They keep you connected with friends and family who may be thousands a miles away or just to busy with life to connect regularly. I mean don't get me wrong, nothing can beat the actual physically connection of being with loved one and sharing a meal or a day together but network sites come in an acceptable second place.

Every now and then as direct result of reconnecting and the cycle of life you are brought together with someone who made an important difference in your life. Maybe the difference that made the difference between success and failure or even life and death. For me throughout my youth and early adulthood survival on a daily basis was all that mattered, literally speaking. When things were at their worst and my outlook its darkest there was few people around to help me make it through. I had either pushed them all away or they had run away and probably rightfully so. That was when the Doc came into my life. I will call him Doc Carl for the sake of this writing as I have not asked him if I could use his name. It would be as result of a conversation with a mutual friend and the irony of life that the Doc would come back into my life after almost twenty years.

I met Doc Carl back in the early 90's through a dear friend of mine Irish Pat whom I am not sure is even still around much less alive. Irish Pat and I were two of a kind, products of the street who enjoyed being on the street and operated as such. Irish Pat himself was a degenerate gambler and like myself an opportunist so to speak. If there were an opportunity to make a few bucks or more on the street we took it. We seemed to get into more than our share of problems. We came from the same kind of backgrounds and we were both exceptionally good at boozing, womanizing and jailing. There weren't too many places that we could still drink in as we had been barred from most and several irate boyfriends or husbands that were looking for us as a direct result of our total disregard for anyone else and indiscretion with their significant others and jail had become a revolving door. I tend to make things sound better than they really were. In actuality they were pretty bad and between drugs, drinking, thieving, jail time the street chances of survival were slim to none.

Doctor Carl is the kind of man who had made the choice to give of himself to helping others in life. He worked with guys who no one else would bet a dime on much less give a chance. There aren't too many people that can show others another way to live from their own experiences. Anyone can hang a sheepskin on the wall and say they 'know' but few can show by their own life experiences. Doc Carl knew how to show and he truly does 'know'. He showed me how to learn from myself.

At a particularly vulnerable moment in life when I was trying to get off the street and having a difficult time and for many other reasons the culmination of my life came crashing down on me. Irish Pat recognized this and came to my rescue. He more than most knew the chance of me deciding to check out on life prematurely where perhaps greater than they had ever been. Cornered and hopeless he mentioned he had a friend, a Doctor, whom had been of tremendous help to him in his time of need and mentioned he might be able to help me as well. After initially rejecting his offer I realized that the internal pain I was experiencing was too great to not give it a shot. It was my last ditch effort at survival and self preservation. At that point in life I felt that if this did not work all was pretty hopeless.

I remember Irish Pat making the call to the Doctor Carl for me and setting up the appointment. All I had to do was get there. Believe me that was one of the hardest decisions I would ever make. To sit in a room and share my deepest, darkest secrets was good for others just not for me. I was by no reason opposed to therapy and truly believed it was a great thing as long as I was not the guy on the bed telling the secrets. I was used to sharing my secrets selectively and even then in the comfort of a dark room behind a screen to a man of cloth who could not see me and had taken an oath not to share what I told him. But that just didn't work anymore and the place I was at in my heart and head was deep and very dark. I no longer felt anything, trusted no one and spent most of my time depressed or unable to sleep as a result of bad nightmares. I was tired of living like I was in jail all the time even when I was not. Crazy as it sounds you can learn to live that way. Sometimes comfortably so and that scared me. I was ready to do anything.

I recall walking into Doc Carl's office in a nondescript building just up the street from a social club/cafe I hung around out that was run by one of my buddy's fathers Babe. It was not what I had imagined in my mind to be and was actually the exact opposite. It was bright, colorfully decorated and generally had a homey feel to it. It made me feel comfortable. The Doc came out and met me and was not whom I had envisioned either. He looked nothing like a crazy doctor looked like or at least nothing like the vision I had conjured up in my head. He was handsome and comforting and shook my hand firmly and warmly. He made me feel right at home. Doc Carl had an ease about him and he took the time to explain to me who he was before asking anything about me. He wasn't the normal doctor in that he knew the people on the streets and knew how they lived and operated and he drew from his own life experiences. He also knew about mental illness a condition that plagued my family well before me, all through my childhood and to a large degree had affected me and my thinking. And we were off to the races.

I had twice in my life been diagnosed with (PTSD) Post Traumatic Stress Syndrome but had been given no counseling to address it much less been informed on how to understand what it was and its causes. For those of you who don't understand it I guess the best way to describe it is being shell shocked as result of traumatic moment or few traumatic moments from in life. What those moments were is for another day and ranting but the result was in short that I was screwed. I was definitely broken and had been for some time. I had little reality in my life and lived out of social norms and was on verge of becoming a full on sociopath not to be confused with psychopath. But I definitely suffered from a severe personality disorder and plenty of antisocial behavior.

In the time I spent with Doc Carl I learned many things about myself. Most of all he showed me that the choices I made in life were based upon how and what I had learned or in many ways had not been taught. I first had to discover who I was or who I wanted to be and build from there. I was confronted with making decisions on whether I wanted to stay on the street which there was nothing wrong with if in fact I wanted that life or if I aspired to something more for myself. Basically I had to make a choice before I could move on. He showed me I was worth saving and was indeed a good person who had made some bad choices and to continue to make those choices would eventually make me that bad person who made bad choices. I was the point at my life were I would make or break who I was and who I would become.

For me it was the beginning of a new life that would take several more years to take root but was without doubt started in Doc Carl's room. He seemed to understand me unlike others before had. Or maybe I was hurting bad enough and just ready to listen. Maybe it was because he had a way about him that opened me up not only to him but too myself and the prospect that there was really something better out there for me. All I had to do was make a decision to do positive things and allow positive things happen to me. Sometime seasier said than done but I was ready. Bring on the growth and bring on the pain.

The next several years would be a slow process of living, learning and ultimately breaking away from what I thought was living and then really learning how to live. It was not by any means easy and was more often than not filled with hard choices, anger, fear, crying and a whole lot of pain. But like the Doc had said it was my choice how I wanted to live my life. After having no control over events in my childhood he helped me become responsible for my adulthood and my own humanity. The Doc set me on that path of self discovery.

I do my best to make good choices and live the best I can and I continue to grow and I'm having fun doing it. I care about people today and care about myself. No one can ever take that away from me. I learned no one ever took anything from me, I gave it away. I don't have to do that today.

I have Doc Carl to thank for that. Maybe one day I can help someone else.

The importance of being me

Not to be confused with being important or others believing me to be important, the 'importance of being me' is nothing more than simply being true to myself, who I am and the path I wish to walk in this life, nothing more, nothing less.

Many people confuse being true to oneself with being selfish. But it's not about being selfish at all it's about being selfless. All it really means is being true to who it is I am, what I believe and the way I want to live my life. In this case it is living my life simple as possible and simply being happy. That's not much to ask for is it? Being happy comes from within by doing the right thing and doing ones best to live the best they can. One cannot be happy being selfish because selfishness eats at you from within. So that is where the selfless part comes in.

Personally speaking I am so far from being perfect it would make your head spin. I say this because I am still learning about being me. I try my best to live the right way and do the right thing on a daily basis but would be lying if I said I do it correctly every day. I have some flaws and some serious ones mind you. But to be honest I like flaws. Flaws make character and I am pretty sure I have plenty of that. Maybe even enough to share a little if you need some. I have neither an overblown ego nor an inferiority complex. I have I believe something of a healthy ego. One that allows me to be okay with life on life's terms and people and walk in virtually any social circle but one that also has kicked me in the ass from time to time to remind me of who and where I am. Ah but it took me many years and a lot of work on the inside to get that healthy ego I feel okay with. Like they say learning to like oneself and be happy is an inside job.

It's an inside job that will pay off in the end. For me it's all about being happy these days.

Letters from the Left Coast

I recently had a long, heated yet civil conversation with my father regarding politics (first mistake), right versus left and the general state of the union. I live here in Southern California the land of sunshine and fairly consistent warm weather. He lives in Chicago where I was born and raised and am proud of that fact. Chicago being in the Midwest and not the East coast as so many to my surprise seem to think, is plagued by two types of weather cycles, extremely hot and humid and extremely cold and gloomy. The reason I mention this is because I have reason to believe weather is directly related to political beliefs. Warm weather and sunshine tend to give people a brighter outlook on politics whereas extreme weather causes one to, well, become extreme.

The discussion was the age old new thinking versus old school thinking on the direction the country is taking and the open in which we recently survived through. Now my old man is in no way a slouch when it comes to politics and knows how to hold his own. Not to mention he has real life credentials and personal experience on the political front line that validate his points, thinking and political beliefs. Unlike many that like to argue politics my old man knows his stuff and has been in the political trenches. That in mind I knew I had my work cut out for me.

I myself having grown up to some degree around politics I learned from the best. My family was politically involved and always believed in the process. Anyone who knows anything about Chicago knows that it is many things both good and bad like any great American city, but if it is anything it is political first and foremost. I don't know of any other city that can tout a family dynasty of mayors, a red phone from our city hall or the 'fifth floor' as those in the know refer to it as that was directly linked to the Kennedy White House or political lineage we have in Chicago, Cook County and the collar counties of DuPage, Will, Lake and Kane to name a few. As different as these counties may be in party affiliation and beliefs the common denominator is they know at the end of the day it is all about one thing, bringing it all home to your constituents. Votes mean jobs and vice versa. Period. From time to time the race or color or creed may change but the meat and potatoes of the 'democratic machine' does not. In Chicago we have a saying, all politics is local. There is Chicago and the state of Illinois and then the rest of the world. As much as many around the country may think that 'machine' politics is not quite kosher let me assure you, it works, even in spite of people having made the phrase 'democratic machine' a bad ones only to be whispered in dark corners. I think there has always been a little jealousy from the rest of the country with regard to Illinois politics and the fact that we make it work and always keep jobs on the table in Illinois and Chicago. Face it some of you just don't have what it takes to make it work effectively. For those who harbor that ill will and jealousy, get real, politics is a business and a dirty one at that. No different than any other rough and tumble business and definitely not for the squeamish or johnny do gooder. And yes it is often a self serving business.

Having grown up in it I did what any smart political kid would do, got involved. I works the campiagns and stumped my share of polling places, knocked on my share of doors and glad handed my share of potential voters. Like my old man I rose through the ranks to become a city job holder, state job holder and eventually a practicing democratic machine politico operative for several years. I was fortunate to witness to underbelly of the machine and participate in the inner workings of it all. I have sat with men of power and the decision makers, Mayors, Senators, Congressmen and Aldermen and even at dinner with a President. I was fortunate I say because you learn valuable lessons about people and life you can never learn in any school and those things have served me well in every area of my life since. The only reason I ever got out of it was my other passions became more important and to be a political animal it must be your life if you are to survive in the trenches. That and I just did not envision myself an overweight, gravelly voiced, cigar chomping, suspender wearing ward boss. No, I had other ideas in mind. These things I believe qualify me in the political realm, maybe not an expert but at least a very knowledgeable insider.

Back to my old man and our heated conversation. I guess the direction I have seen our country go in the previous eight years made me think enough to feel we needed something different and needed to go on a different direction. That was the gist of our discussion. He disagreed with the way the Democrats and Obama in particular was running the show, even after only less than one hundred days in office. I argued that the Bush/Cheney way hasn't worked in eight years how long before we realize and admit that. How much grief and war and lies do we as a country have to endure before we get tired of it. You can only fight with people so long and keep a hardnosed attitude before a bigger kid punches you in the nose and it hurts real bad and maybe even bleeds. The subject alone gets my blood boiling but I will be prudent and save that for another time. Let me just say that if you have half a brain, after that punch in the nose you definitely defend yourself then maybe try to look at things differently and at least consider options and alternative ways of confronting that kid. Some would call me un-American or unpatriotic for saying these things. Those are the same people that have obviously forgotten what democracy means. Anyone who has the audacity to call another American un-American just because they believe differently should check themselves. I once heard 'the most dangerous man in the world is the man that will do anything he must to get you to believe what he believes'. There are way too many of them running around this country, thankfully we recently got rid of a whole room full of them the American way by voting them out. There's plenty more out there so the job is nowhere near done yet. I can say I pretty much care less what those types feel about me anyway.

In many ways I understood where my old man was coming from and why he believed how and what he believed. He came from another era. An era that did many great things for our country but one I also personally believed greatly contributed to us getting into the mess and state of unwell being our country is currently in. Sadly I also believed that he harbored that fear I too grew up with, the fear of a man of color in the White House. True to Chicago tradition this has always been one and one I am not proud of, segregation. My father is not a bigot, racist or any of those things. He is more a victim of a belief system that so many are victim of and one that keeps us segregated and fearful of anything different than us. In the old days the belief was seperate was good. You do your thing I do mine. Stay in your neighborhood I'll stay in mine. It existed in every race, religion, neighborhood and area of the country. In the age or travel and technology we simply cannot live that way anymore.

He chalked it up to my living on the west coast having changed me and my beliefs. To the contrary, it has only reinforced the beliefs I held when growing up and working in politics. He likes to call it the left coast. The west coast is not as liberal as one might think and often not as free thinking as one might imagine. Take the political landscape for instance it is more grassroots and independent, which to me translates into nothing getting done and no communication between organizations. It starts at the top and trickles down and by time it gets to the local level it's every man for himself. In a real political organization like the 'democratic machine' everyone has a job, is a link in the chain and an oweness to the next guy and things get done when you know it will directly affect you and yours. Maybe it's also time to put my experience where my mouth is and get back involved in the political arena out here in Southern California.

Eventually we both laid out what we believe and what we thought the future direction of our country should be. To continue on a course of isolation, fear, hardnosed tactics and war is not the direction to go in. Maybe shaking a few hands, taking a few bows and saying please, thank you and I'm sorry once in a while just might help us out a little. What's the old saying? You get more bees with honey than vinegar. We agreed to disagree. I have the ultimate respect for my old man he has seen a lot and knows a lot. He is whom I get much of who I am today from. I am proud of that.

What if...

What if? Ah the age old question for so many of us. I have one steadfast rule I adhere to with regard to the 'what ifs' in life. -Never be sorry, never regret, never go to sleep at night saying 'I wish I had' or wake up feeling 'what if'.- That is it in a nutshell. Of course there are the obvious exceptions to this rule with regard to 'never be sorry' or at least it should be obvious to any sane, non sociopolitical individual. Do your very best to never intentionally hurt another person or creature then you need not have reason to be sorry as you did your best. Simply put do unto others as you would have them do unto you. I think this fits into the category of 'everything I ever needed to know I learned in kindergarten'. I truly wish I could lay claim to that quote but it is not to be.

So what if? What if what? I told myself a long, long time ago that no matter what it took I would not be the guy that in my twilight years had regrets about never having done those things I wanted to do with my life. To date I can honestly say I have achieved that goal. My life has been a collection of experiences. Most often to one extreme or the other. More often than not they were experiences of the kind a voice would remind you at the end of the show 'do not try this at home'. But I was that kid who wanted to try them all. Several times my experiences almost cost me the ultimate price. Experience builds character and character can either take you a long way or get you into a lot of trouble. For me it did both. I grew up around a whole slew of characters, some hilarious and some scary. But they were my characters. I myself readily admit to being a character of sorts somewhere in the middle between the two types I named above. Some former girlfriends would be kinder about it than others.

The two things in life everybody wants to be are an gangster and an actor. I have seen both sides of that coin as well. As far the gangster goes I lived more on the near periphery of the life, amongst those types that see no other way to live and what you to see that way too. Those who would as soon make trunk music out of you as shake your hand or share a meal with you. Very dangerous men. But I had earned my place at that table if you will. Periphery or not there comes that time when the dangerous part gets very close to home and you find yourself making that decision that will affect the rest of your life no matter how it turns out. You either do or you don't and that's that. For me that decision was not a hard one as my heart and soul started drifting sometime before that choice was presented to me. That and the Big Guy had other plans for me. Heeding some well intended advice from a man in the 'know' I took a pass and continued on with my other passion in life as an actor. Not to mention the 'man in the know' didn't want to hear diddly squat about my acting chops, passion for or latest play I was cast in. I have far less paranoia in my life many more peaceful nights rest because of that decision. But oddly enough no less stress. The transition was not anywhere near as seamless as I like it to sound and has provided a whole mess of other life experiences I'll save for another time.

The two are not as far apart on the spectrum as they might seem. You have to act on a daily basis to survive in a world of thieves and killers. Act 'as if'. As if you are not afraid and ready to shit your pants or present that false sense bravado one needs to constantly keep up. Act as if you have two nickels to rub together or a pot to piss in rather than the truth of the matter that more often than not most guys in that life are broke, busted and in debt to every other guy on the block and if and when you do 'score', provided you don't get pinched you spend most of whatever you did score paying everyone that you owe back and blowing the rest on 'the party'. then back to square one. That is the truth of that life. Conversely, and actor spends the best part of his day attempting to beat out all the other guys on the stage for the one job or role that is available. After which you spend the rest of the day screaming on the phone at your agent to sent that check they owe you and are holding for the last job you did that is currently two weeks late. Still screaming at the guy who owes you. Throw in trying to convince the producer, director or casting agent of the next hottest film or new television series coming out that you are the perfect guy for it and you realize that there is a large sense of gangsterism to entertainment and trying to force open the doors that need to be forced open to further you career. The same goes for the guys trying to move up that latter of crime at get his seat at the table. It's all about positioning and props. You're both still chasing that nickel. trying to pay the rent. Period. Some of us by virtue of life experience are more suited for it than others.

The point I am trying to make is that I have yet to say 'what if' and have been fortunate to be either bold enough or stupid enough, depending on how you look at it, to take my shot at life and it's experiences. I have had a wealth of rich and wonderful experiences in relationships, love, work, seeing places and things and being part of famous happening and you name it. I have also had some very disturbing experiences in most of the above categories as well. I have never been sorry for either. Nor do I suggest chasing the extremes as I have. A happy medium will usually serve you well.

Life is funny. one day you have plans and the nest they are taken away. There is no time like the present as they say. I have seen a lot and experienced a lot and can honestly say that all of it both good and bad have been my own choice and never forced upon me. Nor would I trade any of it in for the world. I still plan on having as many and more than I already have had. Being only roughly half way through the game I still have some quite a few touchdowns in me. I have gotten this far partly by with and street savvy and partly by accident but mostly by Grace. But I know I have to try it all. Even as I write I have plans laid to make the next big move and experience. Some of you might laugh but you won't be when you see me gliding down the beach front boardwalk on my skateboard or riding that wave on the Pacific Ocean every morning. If I have learned anything thus far it is that nothing can replace good old fashioned experience and the difference between positive experiences and negative experiences are only a choice away. Our own choice. No one else makes them for us. One thing is for certain, I will do my best to never go to sleep or wake up asking myself 'what if' I had.

-Never be sorry, never regret, never go to sleep at night saying 'I wish I had' or wake up feeling 'what if'.-

Some you never really forget

The older we get the more complicated life seems to get, or at least we tend to make it more complicated than it has to be. It used to seem so simple from where I sit now but when I think about it really wasn't so simple back then in fact, in so many ways it was so much more complicated. Survival on a daily basis was the really important thing in life. But even with that at the fore front I seemed to still have time to think, reflect and write. Yes even back then as a troubled kid I still wrote almost daily. Write about how I felt and that overwhelming desire to escape I had every single day, to where I did not know for sure. I figured maybe just to the Pacific Ocean, Venice Beach where life seemed so sane and simple. At least from the pictures I saw and stories heard from well-traveled relatives.

          My thoughts bring me back to a song, an old favorite. At the risk of dating myself to those who might consider me the only slightly older more mature guy, neither of which I feel nor really act like, I’m a bit older than that. I will mention the song 'Into the Night' By Benny Mardones. Feel free to look it up if you’re not familiar with it and read on. Yep, a little known fact about me to most except to those very few who were extremely close to me is that I am somewhat of a romantic. Slightly sad and demented but a romantic nonetheless. There are those very few with whom I shared more than one sleeping mattress in the park or the seat of the car for lack of anywhere else to sleep after a night of carousing. Those are the very few who know I am without question a hopeless romantic and old softy from way back. Laugh if you will but by no means should you confuse me with being square.

          My whole life has been about contradictions that much hasn’t seemed to change. Back when I was a teenager when most were in the prime of their innocence I was anything but. Innocence evaded me and probably for good reason, he didn’t want to get corrupted. Even back to my earliest childhood memory I recall the light switch in my mind was always on, waiting, watching and obsessing. I think I came by my cynicism honestly. I have been accused of a lot of things in my life but being innocent was never one of them. Still, even though the innocence of my youth passed me over for greener pastures way too early in life I still searched for it time and again. If I could not have my own I told myself, I would live vicariously through another’s. Even if I had lost mine, I still truly believed in it. That was possibly what kept me going in life and kept me smearing ink on the paper. I believed that if it still existed in people in the purest sense those were the people I wanted to be around. Others innocence had the effect of balancing out my cynicism. Even now I have to believe that not everyone is as jaded as I am. They can't possibly be, otherwise humanity would have long ago suffocated. I wasn’t alone out there as I had no innocent friends so I knew I had to find some. From that time to this day I have for many reasons consistently sought out a breed apart from myself. That search has played a huge role in my life particularly in the area of romance although its reach has extended into even the most purely physical of my relationships.

          As a kid most of the girls I knew were nowhere near innocent. In fact many were far worse off than I. But there were those few who I knew who would always hold a special place in my heart and then there was that one that I knew who I would never forget. The special ones fell into a few categories. The first was the girl I never brought around my friends for fear she would be

corrupted and her innocence devalued. I wanted to keep her for my own to just simply enjoy time alone with her, an oasis in the desert away from the madness of my life. She was the one who although she was already hanging around the crowd was far less suspicious of life than the rest of us, and that quality attracted me. The trick was to keep her protected from the dangers of life and I believe she knew this, at least I like to think she did. She was the girl who possessed the ultimate innocence, she was also the one who also had really smart parents. The same parents who forbade her from dating, hanging around or generally being seen in public or private for that matter with me or my friends. Of course I liked her the most because I could not have her, but boy did I like her.

          Yes there was that one. The one I was never anything more than a friend to and never imagined I would ever be any more than that back then or ever. The one you never really forget. After our brief moment all we ever really shared were polite hellos, small talk and mutual people in our life. Oh, and yes, those mutual stares on occasion knowing full well it would never be. I think back to the scent of her hair, her smile, her voice and yes her innocence. Then as most do, you part ways sometimes abruptly never having the chance to say goodbye. Once or twice in life you cross paths on your road, if even only for a short period of time, then life steps in your way again, sometimes in ways you never intended it too. Yet somehow you never stop remembering that person, you might even catch yourself smiling when the thought of her comes to mind. Ah, but that thing called life and circumstance has changed you both. The road map of your lives have taken totally different directions.

          As fate would have it you meet again, in a dream or at least you think it is. Your mind races with wonder, can you re-capture that smile, that look, that smell, that want, but life is too different now. Maybe you have too many responsibilities and obligations or maybe by design none at all. I tend to fall into the latter category. The forbidden comes to mind, like that Biblical apple just within reach though you know how bad it is for you. Once again, I have never been accused of innocence and for that matter forsaking the forbidden. At a certain stage n life you have more questions than answers and you wonder, what is right or what is wrong or what does it even matter? Do you go through life wondering or reach out and take a bite of that apple? If I fall and fail at least I tried. If I try and I succeed, ah, then there is a whole other set of rules and obstacles to confront. At this point in the game nothing is certain, but then, it's never really been at any point in the game I guess. So you reach for it and it takes you away, where it will take you no one will know. So dreams are shared, potential plans arranged and you begin to think you may be on to something.

          Life is never that easy and it usually has other plans for you. You’re a little older and there is a whole new set of rules and we will see how they will be played out or just simply ignored. I've never been one for rules either. Surprised? Yeah life gets in the way again. Or maybe I get in my own way. I have a habit of doing that from time to time. Maybe the one you never really forgot was unattainable to begin with and no matter what one does she will never be, or maybe not. What I have found to be true in life so far is that nothing is impossible if you want it bad enough. But is what we want that badly worth risking everything and then some for a chance at something you weren’t sure ever really existed in the first place? Maybe not. Only time and the choices we make will tell. It could be nothing but a school boy fantasy or it could be everything we ever dreamed of.

          I have a theory that the older we get the stupider we get. We are wisest as children and maybe at our prime as teenagers but of course are stifled by the ones who deem themselves the wise ones. We grow up and realize half of the crap they fed us was all wrong. Yeah, generally speaking those who proclaim to be the wisest are usually the most misinformed. When I think back, I should have just gone for it back then. What did I have to lose?

          But all is not lost. I did manage to fulfill the dream that a scared, lonely, unsure kid once had.  A dream to escape. Escape what likely would have been a short life weighted with misery and regret. I did finally make it to that beach on the Pacific Ocean, the one I dreamed of all my young life. Though it is not always simple and sane as I imagined or hoped it would be it does look like those pictures in the magazines I obsessed on as that kid. I did escape and I never looked back. I still think about that one I never really forgot. But nowadays, I think about her while looking out over the Pacific Ocean, and I catch myself smiling.

Death and taxes....

Growing up I recall all the 'big people' constantly reminding each other that the only guarantees in life were 'death and taxes'. I can't help but remember that feeling of impending doom that would flood over me even before I knew what the heck these simple words meant. Or the serious implication with which they spit them out of their mouths. Al I do know is that the 'big people' taught me I should be deathly afraid of these things amongst a whole host of others. So from the beginning, fear became a motivating factor in my life. I have a funny feeling I am not alone. That person who tells me they are not afraid of anything, is either lying, is too stupid to realize they're lying to themselves, believes their own b.s. or are complete sociopaths.

I have friends in all categories.

In these times of financial insecurity, future uncertainty and general life uncertainty it can at times be challenging to find the positive in life. Especially considering the fact that many if not most were brought up to believe that 'death and taxes' so to speak, were bad things and raised in a society motivated by fear. These things in mind it is not surprising we just want to crawl back under the covers at times. That will ultimately be our personal demise.

Unless, that is, we make a conscious effort to live our lives to the fullest without regard for that fear that has been instilled in us. Whether it was through our well intended loved ones, our environment or the good old media we learned these things, it is our decision whether or not we will continue to live by fear.

In the past several years I have learned, albeit often painfully, how to shed myself of that ever present sense of fear and doomsday that I spent a lifetime learning. I now choose to spend my time unlearning those same things. I chose to live my life to the fullest and never wake up regretting not having done those things I always dreamed of doing. I think my parents working with that which was available to them at the time and those things they had learned in their youth were well enough intended but fairly far off the path. Not to mention that not too many years ago I finally realized my youth was, shall I say, not quite the normal youth. I believed everyone grew up and learned the same things I did. How very far of the path I was after some serious self realization. I have been an avid reader my whole life and one of my favorite books of all time is "Everything I needed to learn I learned in kindergarten". The old adage that we learn every basic thing about life by the time we are six years old I have found to be so true.

I have spent a lifetime searching for all those things I not so much lost, yet more so never had to begin with. In that sense I am ahead of the game in that instead of trying to recapture the things in life so many 'big people' lose, I have in essence made the decision to invent myself based on the lack of having learned much in the life skills department. My young life was based on fear and more fear. Every emotion I saw, learned or felt whether it was happiness, sadness, anger, love or in between originated out of fear. Fear of being different than others. That same fear crept into my teenage years and then into my adulthood. It left me with the images of violence, insanity and uncertainty of what would come next etched into my mind forever. The hatred, self loathing, bigotry, lack of self esteem, self deprecation and prejudice of anyone or anything different from me paralyzed me for years to come. All of my beliefs, defects of character and distorted value system had been born of my life experiences growing up, on the street and in some pretty dark places physically and figuratively speaking. I have seen my share and more of the dark places. But I came by it honestly.

And then I grew up and got a life.

Once I knew what it was I so feared I set out to break from my self set confines, expand my mind and discover a whole new world out there. It was time to accept responsibility for who I was, who I am and whom it was I wanted to be. Once I discovered there were new and fascinating people and things out there I just soaked it in like a sponge. I had always had a dream of the life I wanted to live by the California coast in the sand next to a palm tree as an actor in film and television. Ah but I was taught people like me did not live that life. 'We' had a certain limit in life an it was best if we did not try to buck that too hard lest we get our feelings hurt. Bucking those beliefs did not come easily nor painlessly. More often than not it was sheer agony filled with uncertainty, fits of rage, despair, more self loathing and plain old hardcore learned fear that was my path to learning. I for one have always been motivated by that same fear I was taught. Once it hurts bad enough then, and only then will I do something about it. that is until I was taught that I could do something about it long before it got so bad that I wanted to eat a bullet and yes if I am to be honest I will admit the bullet had in the past been a serious consideration though by the Grace of God never an option. So yes, some places in our head can get pretty dark. My own best advice got me to those places.

That conversation is for another day.

But these days I have a choice of where I live, why I live and how I choose to live my life. I have a choice of what I choose to believe is the right way for me to live, but most of all what I wish to teach others and impart on them by what I have learned. It would take another lifetime to explain how I came to this place in my life that I enjoy being at even at its hardest and it has at times been hard! It is the simple knowledge that today I have a choice that keeps me going. I never knew I had a choice. Now I do. So from hear on out it is all my choice and decision how I live my life. I wish I could accept even partial credit for a wonderful life and things learned. All of these things and most everything I know today are because of the knowledge others have so selflessly given to me. I have been fortunate to learn so much in such a short time. I fully realize many don't have the opportunity to learn these things in a lifetime. I never ever want to stop learning on a daily basis and as one of the 'big people' I saw as a child, hope to return the favor to others someday. To keep it you have to give it away.

Face it, we all have to die just as we were born, alone. Sure there may be some loved ones around us or not. I do know that I have learned to not be afraid of when that day comes as long as I do my best to live my life right and never forget there is a power greater than myself. I quit being afraid of the 'death and taxes' shtick I was taught. Today I live in life neither in death or taxes. Though the first is far less voluntary than the latter I choose to face them both the same way... by living for today and let others live the way they choose and by a power greater than myself. I am certain of this...

...I don't ever want to stop learning on a daily basis.