Chasing freedom

Someone recently asked me the dreaded question ... why are you single? Hmm I thought scratching my chin. I didn't quite know how to answer. More often than not people generally assume something is wrong with you like you're crazy or that you're just plain old damanged goods. Most ofetn they're wrong. Most people can't seem to comprehend that some of us are just non-conformists and like being single and free by choice. Most people can't even fathom the idea or maybe even fear it. Just recently after all these years it has finally dawned on me that maybe one of the reasons I am still single is that I just can't settle down long enough with any semi-significant other to talk about 'going steady'. Yeah going steady is that old high school term when a guy asks a girl to be his, they trade glances, a kiss and maybe ring yada, yada, yada LOL. The last time I used that term was about the last time I was not single. So you do the math.

I mean sure I have dated pretty seriously a few times in the past many years but to date I think I have officially been single maybe eight years now and actually happily so. I like women, well truthfully I love women sometimes too much. I love just about everything about them, the good and the not so good and I love the chase. But I guess once I get there I get bored too quick. Not so much with her as with well, just being kind of settled. It scares me I will admit. I always figured if I know the way I am and know I will eventually set my sights on new pastures then why commit and cause some decent and good girl hurt by lying then running. I hate to take hostages and know how it feels as I have been in a few relationships that were really not much more than hostage situations. So my philosophy has always been don't drag someone into my life by bullshitting them when I know I won't stay long. Be upfront and let her make that decision of whether or not she wants to be there to begin with and even get caught up in it knowing how I like to be.

There's that old Bob Seeger song "Travelling Man/ Beautiful Loser" that kind of fits the whole idea of the philosophy I have followed my whole life. I have never stopped moving at least in spirit and change and quite often physically. I'm always looking for something new and challenging to keep me feeling alive. I guess those are a few of the reasons I love what I do as an actor and writer and why I so love to be on my bike riding down the coast. They both make me feel free and alive and well ... free again. I have never been one for following the straight path in life or subscribing to social acceptability and I most definitely have been known to buck authority sometimes pretty hard to the point of it causing me a lot of ... shall I say problems and temporary loss of personal freedom. But true freedom is in your heart and head. The straight line in life never appealed to me. I guess partly because I had uncles and cousins who did anything but follow it. My uncles were never your regular guys. They were urban street guys who no one could tell what to do or how to do it and a few of them went as far as to hit the road and live free travelling and see everything life had to offer. So to some degree it is in my blood and has shaped who I am by watching and learning from them. Even the ones who never really left the city were never guys to answer to others or live socially normal lives. How boring and scary it would be when I would see my friends fathers hump and grind all day for nothing and just get old quick. I promised myself that would never ever be me. My old man and uncles all stayed young and still are.

So I bucked the system and kept all the fun in my life that I could. I have always put what I wanted to do first and for the most part chosen to not get into anything serious as most sane women want at some point to settle down and get serious about life. It was just never for me. When I think about it I realize I have always done what I wanted, when I wanted, however I wanted to the point of just walking away from things that bored me or I didn't like on a few occasions. I won't say that living that way has not caused some financial challenge on occasion or other temporary difficulties but I get over it. Temporary is the key word here. Like the old adage goes nothing lasts forever and everything is temporary. That being said I get past it all but usually find I have been happier than most being true to myself and just rolling with life's punches.

Believe it or not in large part I knew early on how my life would play out. Call it fate or self prophecy or whatever you want but I just knew when I was a kid what would happen for my life. Much of it has come to fruition. I also knew I had to do as much as I can, see all that I could and experience whatever I could in this life. I wanted to see it all! As an actor and writer I can be someone else in another place or time or whatever even if it is only for a short while. I can be in that persons head and make the believable out of the not so believable. I like being free and nothing makes one feel freer than being someone else for a while or writing a story that lets you create some characters life based on your own life experiences.

My life situations and circumstances change on a regular basis faster than most people change cable stations. I won't say that there haven't been a few times I thought about settling down so to speak or even gave it serious consideration. But generally speaking once I seriously consider it or just about anything it dissapates pretty quickly. I'm just not that serious and never really have been. I hate personal constriction or even habit. Life is a challenge and freedom fleeting. Take it while you can. I know, I have lost it before. As I write I am getting the urge to take a trip across country to Chicago just to be on the road a little while and see more of what I have not yet seen and some of the old and cool things I have seen again. But for now these days I am living on the beach one hundred feet from the Pacific Ocean, making movies when I am blessed to do so, writing as much as I can and just chilling and loving it. I am cool and content for now but again all is temporary and real freedom is in the heart and soul. I am sure I will be changing some things up fairly soon. Oh yeah and I'm still single searching for that girl who like me has tasted freedom and won't trade it in. Maybe we would complement each other's lives. If you know anyone drop by let me know. I'm always up for a challenge and a good time, who knows where it may lead. Maybe we can hit the road together and maybe all things are not as temporary as I think.